Alison's Awesome Buys: Places You'd Never Believe Were In Scotland

Alison's Awesome Buys: Places You'd Never Believe Were In Scotland: France? This fairytale castle might look like a French château or Bavarian palace but it’s actually Dunrobin Castle, the seat of th...

A cabbie picks up a Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun 

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. 

  

She asks him why he is staring. 

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' 

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 

  

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' 

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: 

#1, you have to be single and 

#2, you must be Catholic.' 

The cab driver is very excited and says, 

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 

  

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' 

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. 

  

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' 

  

The nun says, 'That's OK. 

  

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Upsetting statistics

On average, an Englishman has sex between once and three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only once or twice a year.

I find this information most upsetting because, till now, I had no idea I was Japanese.

ALZHEIMERS DISEASE

I'm good! Check yourself out! 

  

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds.. 

  

  

If you are over 55 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test 

  

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 

1. _ _NDOM 

2. F_ _K 

3. P_N_S 

4. PU_S_ 

5. S_X 

6. BOO_S 

  

  

Answers: 

1. RANDOM 

2. FORK 

3. PANTS 

4. PULSE 

5. SIX 

6. BOOKS 

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you? 

You do NOT have Alzheimer's. 

You are a Pervert.

Golf on Christmas Day

Golf on Christmas Day

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked
how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed
and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his
buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I
bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning
the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”

A man buys his son an iPad

A man buys his son an iPad, his daughter an iPod, himself an iPhone. For his

wife, he bought an iRon. She wasn't impressed, even after he explained it

can be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean applications. This

triggered an iNag spam attack and completely wiped out the iShag function.

Prostitute s Tax return

TAX TIME

A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she

needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to

ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?" "I'm

a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says,

"Let's try to re phrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work.

Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry

farmer." The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with

being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."

"Poultry Farmer it is."

A Blonde Moment

A blonde couple were trying for a baby. 

Finally, the blonde tells her husband, 

"Honey, I have great news! We're pregnant, and we're having twins!" 

The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, 

"Honey that's wonderful, but how do you know so soon that 

we're having twins?" She nods her head and says, 

"Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!"

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

How To Tell When Bananas Turn Bad....

Allah and 72 Virgins

Allah and 72 Virgins

A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold.
When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised.
Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.
So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it  be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”
And Allah replied,  "Who said they were women?”

HELL EXPLAINED

HELL EXPLAINED
 
One clever, smart student!!!
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which may explain why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

House Of Ill Repute

Subject: House Of Ill Repute
See if you can work this out:

There was a brothel at the top of a hill,
with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.
There were four men ...........

One was walking briskly up the hill;
One was inside the brothel;
One was walking slowly down the hill and
The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.
What were the nationalities of the four men?


* The man going up the hill:   was Rushin

* The man in the brothel:   Him-a-layin

* The man walking down the hill:   was Finish

Now wait for it ...

Ya gonna love this ............................................


·       The man in the car at the bottom was Irish,
   and he was waiting for the light to turn green!


 

Parenting in the wild

Rocky my dog having fun out and about

Good Friends